I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
