I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
