she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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