i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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