Michael Bay diarrhea
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
