i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
