I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
