T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
