last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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