i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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