I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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