I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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