I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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