Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
