So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
