On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
