I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
