Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
