a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
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Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
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I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.