just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
