you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i would punch a child for taco bell
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
