Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
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everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
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Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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