there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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