my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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