im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
