I want to make a zoo with you.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
