I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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