doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
