Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
