who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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