my phone needs a breathalizer
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm at about main and main street
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
