I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
