she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
