New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
