That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
only you would photoshop your dick
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
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