May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
