I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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