party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
