I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
