I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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