God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
