as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
