highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
