I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
