make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
