it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
