He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
