I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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