i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Michael Bay diarrhea
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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