Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
