I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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