I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
