State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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