Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
