If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
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You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
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Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍