Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
