i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
