On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
