I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
