So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
